You’ve probably been told before that a grieving person will go through 5 stages of grief before it “ends” – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These concepts were developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and although they have been instrumental in developing the conversation around grief, it is now widely accepted that they may not tell the whole story… the fantastic online resource “Beyond the Dash” explains (below).
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist who worked with the terminally ill, initially introduced her theory on the five stages of grief in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. When it was made public, this model of analysing grief was regarded as revolutionary. It has since been rejected as an overly simplistic way of quantifying grief. This article will further explore the way that the five stages of grief model can help or hinder grievers.
WHAT ARE THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF?
According to Kübler-Ross, the five stages are: denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. The idea is that grief is a mix of emotions, but can be broken down into a simple cycle that we all go through when losing a loved one, beginning with denial.
1. DENIAL
A sense of surrealness that prevents the full reality of loss to sink in. Denial helps us to cope with the loss and to survive the initial shock of grief.
2. ANGER
Rage that is directed at anyone and anything following a death, including family members, friends, funeral service providers, doctors, yourself, and even the deceased person. This a natural part of grief marked by emotional outburst and conflict.
3. BARGAINING
Attempting to reverse the death, or the impact of the death, marks the bargaining stage. This is a futile attempt to gain control over an uncontrollable situation. Bargaining gives us hope that if we do something specific, there is a chance that the pain of loss will lessen.
4. DEPRESSION
When you realize that bargaining grief away is impossible, depression will set in. This is perhaps the most relatable stage of grief, as most people experience deep sorrow in life prior to the loss of a loved one. During this time, it’s typical to feel emotionally exhausted, isolated and extremely miserable.
5. ACCEPTANCE
Over time, the reality of a world without the deceased person becomes more normal. It’s hard to accept that your life will go on without the person you miss, but once you become accustomed to the new state of being, you’ve achieved a state of acceptance.
Acceptance does not mean that you cease to grieve; rather, it means that grief has now become an inseparable part of your life that informs your character.
THE PROBLEM WITH A LINEAR MODEL OF UNRAVELING COMPLEX EMOTIONS
When Kübler-Ross originally introduced this model of grief, it was intended to be a model to explain the way terminally-ill patients cope with their diagnosis. As it offered a simple way to explain the complexities of grief, this model became a way for people to cope with their grief over the loss of a loved one.
Even Kübler-Ross herself made comments towards the end of her professional career that her model fell short. Though it makes sense on a general level, problems when people see her model as a strict way to “correctly” grieve.
While Kübler-Ross’ grief model seems quite straightforward, psychologists have since realized that it is flawed as a prescriptive way of analyzing grief. While it can be helpful in unraveling personal grief, the reality is that it doesn’t apply to everyone. Grief is actually much more complex. It is problematic when standards are created for something that can vary so much from person to person. Many of those who are grieving healthily do not experience the stages in this order. Deviance from the linear model is not abnormal.
THE FIVE STAGES CAN HELP YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR PROGRESS
Even if you don’t experience every stage of grief, Kübler-Ross’ model can provide a useful framework to understand your feelings. You may notice that you switch back and forth between these stages, or find that you don’t experience them in a particular order. Grieving is not a linear process. However, it’s one of the main reasons that some have called Kübler-Ross’ model of grief inaccurate. The term ‘model’ suggests that it can be applied to any grief with similar results. Although most grievers will identify with at least one of the stages, it doesn’t mean it works as a whole.
WHAT DO THE STAGES OF GRIEF REALLY FEEL LIKE?
In practice, grief operates much differently than Kübler-Ross initially suggested. Some may be depressed for a while and then recover, others may remain angry for years before accepting the loss, and still others may experience, in one way or another, all of the five stages that Kübler-Ross identified. One at a time, all at once, two or three at a time, in any order, or any which way you can imagine: anything is possible.
While some people do in fact adhere to the stages, most people add in stages or skip some altogether. Rather than processing grief in a neat cycle, most process grief as a disturbing up-and-down mix of emotions. Because the five stages of grief model is so simple, grievers might feel as though they aren’t processing their grief correctly if it doesn’t look exactly like this cookie-cutter cycle. This is the major way that Kübler-Ross’ model can hold grievers back, which can be incredibly problematic.
YOUR GRIEF, YOUR WAY
Everyone experiences grief differently. Rather than adhering to the five stages of grief as a rulebook for your grieving process, you should see them as a way to help understand your own grief if or when you ever experience one of the stages. Above all else, remember that everyone grieves differently—and that’s okay.